Midlife Dating: The Good, the Bad, and the (Beautifully) Unfiltered Truth

If you have navigated the stormy seas of a divorce or separation and not dated since, the prospect of getting back out there likely brings up some anxiety, fear and overwhelm, especially if it’s been a while since your last first date.

A lot has shifted in the dating world in the past decade or two, so much so that it’s almost as if we need to learn a whole new language. You may even find the prospect of midlife dating so daunting that you have shied away from getting out there at all.

It’s true that the dating landscape hardly depicts the one you knew before marriage. But different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. There’s a lot of good news about dating in the 2020s and also dating as a midlife female.

Dating in the 2020s

It’s far less common these days for partners to meet at the bar, work, school, through family, or through social gatherings. This is in part because rapid advancements in technology have made us less social in-person. We are more insular and less likely to talk to strangers. Cast your mind back to the 80s and 90s when in-person was the only way to meet someone, we had to work up the courage to say hello. Nowadays we don’t need to.

The fact that we no longer need to strike up a conversation to make a romantic connection has made us not only lazy, but also inexperienced in the art of conversation. Bad news for Generation Z. Good news for we X ers.

The Good and Bad News on Midlife Dating

The Good: We've Levelled Up

One of the most significant advantages of dating in midlife is the wealth of life experience we bring to the table. We've lived, loved, learned, and grown. We've navigated heartbreak, career changes, family dynamics, and personal triumphs. This tapestry of experiences has shaped us into the resilient, confident, and self-assured women we are today.

• Self-Awareness: We've done the inner work (or at least, we're well on our way). We know who we are, what we want, and what we won't tolerate. This level of self-awareness is a superpower in the dating world, allowing us to set clear boundaries and attract partners who align with our values.
• Emotional Intelligence: Life's trials have honed our emotional intelligence, making us more adept at reading social cues, communicating effectively, and resolving conflicts with grace. We're less likely to fall for manipulative tactics or tolerate emotional immaturity.
• Financial Independence: Many midlife women are established in their careers and enjoy financial stability. This not only boosts confidence but also eliminates the pressure to find a partner solely for financial security.
• Authenticity: We've shed the need to impress or conform. We're comfortable in our own skin, embracing our quirks, flaws, and passions. This authenticity is incredibly attractive and draws in like-minded individuals who appreciate us for who we truly are.

The Bad: They Might Not Have Done the Work (Yet)

• Emotional Baggage: We all carry scars from the past, the problem is when those scars are still open wounds that haven’t been dealt with. This unresolved baggage can manifest as unhealthy patterns, communication issues, and difficulty establishing intimacy.
  
• Attachment Styles: Our own attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) play a pivotal role in how we approach relationships. Recognizing our attachment patterns and understanding their impact on our dating experiences is crucial for building healthy connections. I put this one under the bad only because if you meet someone who hasn’t done the work, likely they have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.
  
• Fear of Vulnerability: After years of protecting our hearts, it can be daunting to open up again. We may hesitate to share our true selves or express our needs for fear of rejection or getting hurt.
  
• Lack of Authenticity: Given that we are portraying who we are from behind a screen, there’s lots of opportunity for inauthenticity. This can be anything from profiles that don’t accurately reflect who the person is, to a focus on superficial qualities such as looks, height, and money. You will quickly recognize these people and move on, but it’s frustrating to come across them in the first place.
  
• The Online Dating Maze: The digital dating landscape can be a minefield for midlife women. Navigating endless profiles, deciphering mixed signals, and dealing with ghosting can be frustrating and disheartening.

Savvy Midlife Dating

1. Heal Thyself: If you haven't done your own inner work, this is the biggest thing that will hold you back in dating. Take the time to heal from your marriage, recognize where you went wrong, and reflect on the patterns you don’t want to repeat moving forward. If that all seems like a lot to navigate, don’t do it alone; a therapist can you help unpack it all and set the stage for healthier relationships.
   
2. Know Your Worth: Don't settle for less than you deserve. Set boundaries, communicate your needs, and walk away from situations that don't feel right. If your worthiness is in question, see point 1.
3. Make the Leap: Yes it’s daunting. Yes it’s easier to stay home and watch Netflix. But what do you want for your life long-term? Take the first step and set up a profile. Have a friend take pictures of you and get the ball rolling with the help of ai (but please edit it so it reflects who you truly are.)
   
4. Choose Your Dating Apps Wisely: Some apps are better suited for midlife daters than others. Research and find platforms that align with your values and goals.
   
5. Give People a Chance: Both an upside and downside to dating apps is the number of people using them. This can make it easy to be flippant and selective when looking through profiles, but at this early stage you don’t need to be as selective as you may think. Don’t ask yourself, could I have a relationship with this person? Instead ask, could I give them an hour of my time for coffee?
   
6. Don’t Take it too Personally: As I watch my therapy clients navigate the world of midlife dating and also think back to my own experiences, it’s important to not take some of the behaviours you encounter personally. The most common of these is ghosting (where the other person suddenly drops off the face of the earth and you never hear from them again) which is an unfortunate bi-product of dating in a technological world. There are many reasons why someone might choose this disrespectful and immature behaviour; if they do, you have dodged a bullet.
   
7. Be Patient and Trust the Process: Finding love takes time. Don't get discouraged by setbacks or disappointments. Focus on enjoying the journey and learning from each experience.

Dating in midlife can be an enriching and transformative experience. By embracing our wisdom, healing our past wounds, and approaching dating with intention and self-compassion, we open ourselves up to the possibility of finding a partner who truly cherishes and celebrates the incredible women we've become.

If you would like support through your return to dating as a woman in midlife and are interested in being part of my beta course: Getting Back Out There: A Mini Course for Midlife Women Navigating the Dating Scene, email me at [email protected].