Why Do I Keep Attracting the Wrong Partners?

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of attracting partners who don't quite align with your values or needs, you're not alone. This is a common experience for many women in midlife, especially after major life changes like divorce or the end of a long-term relationship. Understanding the root causes of these patterns and learning how to change them is the key to building healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Recognizing Your Patterns

If you look back on your relationships over the years it’s likely that you can identify ways that you have felt and behaved time and again. For example, you may have often felt rejected or dismissed, or may have dealt with conflict by shutting down.

It’s good to take a relationship “inventory,” looking specifically at your recurring thoughts and behaviours. If you can identify patterns, this will help you develop a better understanding of yourself in relationship to others. It will also help you to see what is yours to own and what may have been theirs.

The Role of Attachment

Attachment styles are formed in childhood and can profoundly influence adult relationships. If you grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or overbearing, you might develop attachment issues that persist into adulthood. The main attachment styles that reflect insecurity in relationships are these:

• Anxious Attachment: You may find yourself craving closeness but fearing abandonment, leading to relationships where you feel insecure or clingy.
• Avoidant Attachment: You might value independence and feel uncomfortable with too much intimacy, leading you to partners who are emotionally distant.
• Disorganized Attachment: A combination of both anxious and avoidant traits can lead to chaotic and unpredictable relationship patterns.

Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize these patterns and work towards developing a more secure attachment style through therapy or self-reflection.

Fear of Being Alone

After spending many years in a marriage, the thought of being alone can be intimidating and scary. This fear often drives individuals to settle for partners who aren't truly compatible, simply to avoid loneliness.

Recognizing and confronting your fear of being alone is the first step. When you can become fully comfortable with your own company and recognize that you are enough with or without a partner, you will no longer be willing to settle for someone who doesn’t meet your needs.

Unconscious Beliefs

Beliefs about relationships and self-worth, often formed in early life, can deeply affect partner choices. These beliefs might include:

• "I am not worthy of love." This belief can lead you to choose partners who don’t treat you well or match your needs.
• "All relationships are hard." You might tolerate unhealthy dynamics, assuming that's just how relationships are.

Bringing these beliefs to the surface through reflection or therapy allows you to challenge and replace them with healthier, more empowering beliefs.

Comfort in the Familiar

Humans tend to gravitate towards what's familiar, even if it's not ideal. If you've been in relationships with a certain dynamic, like one-sided emotional investment or lack of communication, you might unconsciously seek similar partners because they feel familiar. Ask yourself, what feels familiar but is also not good for me?

Make a conscious effort to date different types of people. This might feel uncomfortable initially, but it opens up possibilities for healthier relationships.

Overlooked Red Flags

In the excitement of a new relationship, it’s easy to overlook red flags that signal incompatibility. These might include Inconsistent Communication, a lack of emotional availability, and disrespectful behaviour. Learning to recognize and act on red flags early can prevent long-term disappointment and heartache.

Patterns of Self-Sacrifice

Many women in midlife have spent years prioritizing the needs of others—children, partners, or family—over their own. This can manifest in relationships as a tendency to accommodate or please partners at the expense of their own needs.

Reflect on whether you often put your partner's needs above your own and how this affects your satisfaction in relationships. Then try practicing self-advocacy through taking small steps towards expressing your needs and desires clearly and assertively.

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking free from these patterns requires introspection, courage, and a willingness to make changes. Here are steps to help you attract partners who align more closely with your values and needs:

• Reflect on Past Relationships

Spend some time reflecting on your recent dating experiences. What patterns or similarities do you notice? Consider journaling about your experiences to identify common themes. Ask yourself questions like:

• What attracted me to this person initially?
• What were the main challenges that arose?
• How did I feel about myself around this person and why?

This reflection can help you become more aware of the patterns that no longer serve you.

• Understand Your Attachment Style

Learning about your attachment style can provide insights into your relationship patterns. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Understanding yours can help you recognize behaviours and triggers in relationships. Consider reading books on attachment theory or speaking with a therapist to explore this further.

• Challenge Unconscious Beliefs

We all carry beliefs about love and relationships that shape our choices. Some of these beliefs may be limiting or outdated. To challenge these, try:

• Identifying any negative beliefs you hold about relationships.
• Replacing them with positive, affirming beliefs.
• Practicing self-compassion and recognizing your worthiness for a healthy, loving relationship.
  

• Embrace Being Alone

It’s important to feel comfortable and content on your own before entering a new relationship. Spend time doing activities you enjoy, cultivate friendships, and nurture your sense of self. The more at ease you are with yourself, the less likely you are to settle for a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you.

• Set Clear Boundaries and Standards

Before you start dating, define your non-negotiables in a relationship. These are the values and standards you won’t compromise on. Being clear about what you want will help you recognize red flags early and stay true to your needs.

• Be Open to Change

Sometimes, breaking a pattern means stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new. This might mean going on dates with people you wouldn’t normally consider or being open to different types of relationships.

• Listen to Your Intuition

Your intuition is a powerful guide. If something feels off about a partner or a relationship, trust that feeling. It’s okay to walk away if your gut tells you something isn’t right.

Embracing New Possibilities

Attracting the right partner isn’t about finding someone who ticks every box on a checklist. It’s about finding a connection that feels authentic and supportive. By understanding and breaking free from past patterns, you open yourself up to new possibilities and healthier relationships.

You deserve a partnership that honours and respects who you are. As you continue on this journey of self-discovery and growth, trust that the right person will come into your life at the right time.